Today, something happened that made me feel specially frustrated - not just about myself but about people surrounding me - and made me really sad. It genuinely made me sad, so sad all I could think about was going to the bathroom and crying. It wasn't something massively important, in fact it was just nonsense, but it affected me a lot.
I have had a few bad days, starting on last weekend. This past months have been so intense I have been bottling all up, plus I barely spend proper time at home during the week. This has led me to a state of utter tiredness, which has also led to me being too emotional. As you can imagine, all mixed together has just kicked me in the guts.
I don't even know if I'm going to reach a point here, I just feel that I need to let it all out.
So, I was in a uni lesson, as every Tuesday. Things were going fine, and then we had to do an exercise in pairs. Unfortunately, the boy I always pair up with hadn't come, plus, the girls I talk to, all were paired up. So I looked for someone that was alone, without a partner, like me. There was a boy, and I went to talk to him, and he was plain rude. He told me to basically go away because he was going to do the thing with two other classmates - which by the way was stupid because we had to do it in pairs, not in groups of three. I was there looking like an idiot and he just told me to go and do it with a boy that never talks to anyone, who isolates himself and always does everything with the teacher. I stood there for a few moments pretty confused, and then the teacher stated again that we had to do the exercise in pairs. So the boy eventually agreed to do it with me (it was just like 30 seconds, so whatever), but I felt bad. Like really bad, because I felt totally stupid and needy and I don't know, it kind of made me feel like when I was in middle school and some classmates rejected me and ignored me. That connection with my past really made me feel bad, because it was like reliving all my old fears, thinking the story would be the same all over again.
I even thought for a second about ignoring that boy and trying to do the thing with the isolated classmate, but I guess I was just scared.
The second thing that happened was that the teacher picked me and another classmate - a nice girl, if you ask me - to do a thing in front of the whole class. It was okay, really. Except for the fact that, when we had already finished it, the teacher made me feel horribly bad. I have had a few issues with that teacher already, but luckily he's not going to be our teacher anymore for some reasons. As I was saying, we were already safely sat down - «safely» - and he dropped the bomb. He said that I was grammatically correct and everything, but I had to show more enthusiasm, because it seemed that I didn't have any interest at all in the dialogue. If that wasn't enough, he even added «maybe it's just your character».
I know for many people that wouldn't have mattered at all, but for me it did. For me it was embarrassing and painful. Even now, while I'm typing this, I still feel like crying. It makes me angry because I don't want to be this kind of person that is so weak she's affected by people's mean comments, or even comments that are not aimed to hurt. God I have let out a couple of tears. I'm ashamed and I'm relieved at the same time, isn't it a big contradiction?
Someone somewhere said, it's okay to cry. It really is okay. No matter what happened, it's always okay to cry. I'm afraid I'll need to repeat this quote in my head a million times before I can say I truly believe it.
We are taught to be strong, to never cry. Because if you cry it means you're sad, so you're not having the life you were meant to have, to fight for. We are taught to be perfect, and crying is a flaw.
Well, I'm tired of pretending I'm perfect. I'm even tired of pretending I want to be perfect. Fuck perfect. I want human, because I'm so incredibly tired of trying to impress everyone and forgeting about my feelings. Not failing is extremely hard, I want to fail. I want to be loved for my achivements and my failures too. I want someone to tell me: I love you because you always fear talking in public, and not mean it in a bad way. I want someone to tell me that not because they think that way they can control me, but because they know everything about me and they accept it. Just accept everything of me, instead of trying to change it, trying to improve me and obtain a better version of me. Why do we always have to be telling people «you should do this or that» if they're not hurting anyone and not hurting themselves?
I know being shy is probably going to prevent me from doing some really great stuff, but why does not anyone think about what other things really out-going people are losing? There are good things and bad things in life, for almost everything. Nothing is completely right or completely wrong, let alone for everyone.
My point here is: stop trying to make people get rid of their embarrassment and their insecurities, because you're probably going to make it worse. We all have our own pace to do everything and that's okay.
A friend of mine told me that the issues I had had with that same teacher were maybe because he wanted me to overcome my shyness and embarrassment. Turns out he even made it worse.
Why is there such a need to get people out of their shyness? Why does my shyness bother you so much that you have to try and make me change day after day?
I may have lost all faith in humanity, but in days like this, I simply think people are mean.
P.S.: I wasn't going to post this for fear of appearing to be seeking attention or whatever, but I'm tired of fearing what people is going to think. I want to try to be more honest about my life, and this starts by letting total strangers read what another total stranger has to say. I also want to try to write more about my feelings instead of bottling it all up, even though I don't want this blog to become some sort of diary.
So yeah, this is me starting a series of posts I'm calling "Things I would've told my therapist if I had one".
Things I would've told my therapist if I had one:
#1
